Recently I read a post from blogger Anonymously Autistic which was about what Autism actually feels like and how others perceive it. In the post she talks about how being called “high functioning” is not always a good thing, and how being labeled this makes people think she is more capable of things than she really is.
This post summed up everything I have ever felt in my daily life. Since my diagnosis only happened recently the people in my life are now seeing the underlying reasons for my actions. They now see how much it upsets me when plans change, that I cannot eat certain foods because of the textures, and why all I want to do is stay in my room and play video games.
Since I am not very good at expressing my emotions, they may not see when I am having a hard time and therefore think that I am capable of much more than I actually am in certain situations. For example, a thing as simple as saying “hello” when they have said “hello” to me first sends me into a tail spin of anxiety. So when I am meeting someone for the first time and they say “hello” and I am looking down and do not respond I am not trying to be rude, my brain is just too filled with noise to be able to respond in that second.
Just like the writer of this post, I feel like I am out of sync with the rest of the world. I have not been specifically asked “what does it feel like to have Asperger’s or Autism” but I feel that sometimes people (like my mom) want to ask me. I do not find this questions inappropriate or intrusive at all. The people who ask these questions, I belief, are simply trying to relate to us and understand us so that they can help us understand the world better.
Having Asperger’s is not difficult all the time, but that does not mean that I do not have bad days when everything is just too much for me to handle. So to answer the question “what does it feel like to have Asperger’s or Autism” I would say, it feels like your in a Mario video game and every night when you go to bed it’s “game over” which means in the morning you have to start at the beginning and relearn all the twists and turns of the world.